Making the most of the place you picked

September 9, 2009 at 1:28 pm (Dating, Relationships) (, , , , )

In my previous posts I talk about great places to take a first date. My general feeling is this: Why add one more worry with an unknown location when you can boost your confidence by going someplace you already know is terrific? It just makes good sense.

Restaurants

Because one of the best (and most often used) dating locales is a restaurant, I’m going to go into a bit more detail about how you can make eating out a delicious experience.

Order food you eat with a fork

Forget about sandwiches (unless that’s all there is – in that case, the fewer ingredients, the better). Food you lift with your hands easily fall from your hands. High-rise sandwiches are notorious for collapsing on the way up to your mouth. Stringy pizza cheese dangles from your lips like you swallowed twine. sushi is ralely served in petite bite-sized protions, and tacos spill.

Don’t drink

I know, I’m going to lose a lot of you here – if you’re nervous you might be trying to relax yourself. But Miller Time can become mildew time before you know it. Be very careful about alcohol. If you’ve ever had a problem with alcohol – fuhgettaboutit and don’t drink. Alcohol on a first date is dangerous for several reasons:

Read the rest of this entry »

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Enjoying Yourself

August 4, 2009 at 5:54 am (Dating, Having a Cool Time, Relationships) (, , , , , , )

It doesn’t have to be the fourth of July for you to have a great time on your first date. The sky doesn’t need to erupt in fireworks for you to consideryour date a winner. What does need to happen is that you create an environment that allows both you and your date relax a little, let your hair down, get to know one another, and have fun. The basics of enjoying yourself are fairly straightforward:

Be relaxed.
Be yourself.
Be prepared to talk – and listen
Be prepared
Be okey about silences(if they don’t go on too long).
Be realistic about expectations.

Don’t sweat it – it’s pretty hard to really screw things up, besides, it’s only one date. And with a bit of pre-planning on your part – which is, essentially – This date can be a really cool one.

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Having a Cool Time

August 3, 2009 at 6:06 am (Dating, Having a Cool Time, Relationships) (, , , , , )

Presumably you’ve planned your date carefully and are fully prepared. At this point, I’m confident you not only know where you’re going , how to get there, and about how much it’ll cost, but you are dressed appropriately, and you’ve fully factored your date into the equation. You’ve selected a destination you both will like and haven’t decided that now would be a good time to start smoking, wearing fur, or pinning a campaign button to your lapel.

Now you’re all set to have a good time. This blog will tell you how to makes the most of your date, how to deal with the unexpected catastrophes that may creep up, and how to end the evening gracefully.

Please be continue for further reading…..

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You are a Senior – Dating situation #8

July 29, 2009 at 6:34 am (Dating, Relationships) (, , , , , , )

As we get older and wiser, dating should get easier, but I am not sure it ever really does. If you are a senior (Sixty-five or older), this book may be particularly useful to figure out what’s changed and what’s the same old story.

If you are divorced, it’s a good idea to keep your kids in the dark for as long as possible. Don’t wait until the wedding or the funeral, but reading the section on single parent dating applies regardless of the age of the “child”

If you are windowed, don’t be surprised to find your offspring fairly resistant to a new date. When it comes to our parents, we’re kinda frozen in amber. If mom and dad can’t be together, then the survivor can be a living monument to how things used to be. Besides, if Mom or Dad is dating, they may be having sex….yeah…

If you’ve never been married, ask yourself why not and what you’re looking for now.

There are several huge advantages to senior dating:

Woman don’t have to worry about getting pregnant.
Men don’t have to worry about borrowing the family car.
You don’t have to ask your parents what time you have to be home (although you may end up answering to your kids).
You don’t have to worry about your braces locking when you kiss(although you may have to worry about your canes knocking).
Long-term commitment has a whole different meaning.
You can shop together for eternal housing – a really long-term commitment.
You don’t have to worry what religion to raise the kids in.

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You are Dating your relative’s Ex – Dating Situation #7

July 28, 2009 at 6:14 am (Dating, Relationships) (, , , , , , , )

This is just a specialized and potentially even more toxic case of dating a best friend’s ex. I actually know a man who married his girlfriend of seven year’s sister. You can imagine family Thanksgivings are more than a little strained. Again, if the details but do tell the relative before they find out via the family grapevine. If at all possible, avoid this plight. If you can’t avoid it, make sure that your motives are pure, and you’re not acting out of some ancient feud of competition.

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you’re Dating your Best Friend’s Ex – Dating situation #6

July 24, 2009 at 6:05 am (Dating, Relationships) (, , , , , , , )

You and your best friend share lots of secrets and have lots in common, but an ex shouldn’t be one of them, I don’t advice dating your best friend’s ex unless it’s been a long, long time, and even then, I guarantee your friend is going to feel you’re being disloyal.

The Every Brothers had a song about bird dogging (which is dating your friend’s date), and the song, not the concept, was a big hit. I know it makes some kind of logical sense. After all, you and your friend do share a similar sense of humor, a fondness for James Bond flicks, and a willingness to cover for each other when necessary, but sharing a love interest, even serially, only works in Hollywood movies, and even Hollywood admits it can get pretty sticky.

You don’t have to believe me. Just think about how you’d feel if your best friend started dating one of your exes. Are they talking about you? Comparing notes? What if you come in second? If nothing else, if your friend starts dating your ex, you’ll either end up saying, “see, I told you so” or feeling that your friend has something you don’t…like your ex.

If you’re bound and determined to date your friend’s ex:

Wait at least a year or so after the break-up. Any earlier, you are talking rebound: You’ll lose a date, a friend, and your mind.

Don’t ask permission. The first date can be kept quite (after all, who knows how things will go?), but if it seems to have some potential, tell, don’t ask. Just explain that you bumped into one another and plan to go out for coffee (you can finesse that first date), but keep the details to yourself whether it’s going very well or very badly.

Ask yourself, “Is it worth the friendship?” That will very likely be the cost.

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You’re a single parent – Dating situation #5

July 22, 2009 at 6:26 am (Dating, Relationships) (, , , , , , , )

Nowadays, nearly two-thirds of all children are being raised in single-parent households, which means there are a lot of parents dating. As if dating weren’t complicated enough, having your child ask you what time you’re going to be home adds agony to embarrassment. By the way, what time do you plan to be home?

let me make one thing absolutely clear: Young kids don’t get dating, and even older ones don’t when it comes to a parent. Trying to combine parenting with early stage dating is like walking a tightrope while wrestling a dolphin: highly slippery, inadvisable, and just plain dangerous. Take a look at the possibilities:

You like your date, your date like you, the kids hate your date:Problem
You like your date, your date like you, the kids love your date:Problem (believe it or not).
You like your date, your date hate you, the kids hate your date:No Problem
You like your date, your date hate you, the kids love your date:Problem
You like your date, your date likes you, your date hates your kids:Problem
You like your date, your date hates you, your date love the kids:Big problem
You hate your date, your date likes you, the kids hate your date:No problem
You hate your date, your date hates you, the kids hate your date:No Problem
You hate your date, your date hates you, the kids love your date:Medium sized problem

I think that’s all the possibilities but the point is that the only times kids and dating aren’t a problem is when everybody hates everybody. And best-case scenario – when there is a genuine love-fest going on – can still be trouble, since this blog only covers the firstĀ  six to nine months of dating and lots of things change. I haven’t even mentioned trouble with exes and the confused roles between dating and parenting for you.

It’s a common problem that’s not going to go away. but you are well advised to keep your kids and your dates separate until you’re sure of your date, which takes awhile.

  • Introducing a date too soon can make kids either clingy or ancious or both, and unhappy kids do a lot of acting out, which is psycho-babble for acting like creeps: hanging up when your date calls, telling your ex, hitting, crying, clinging, telling the teacher your date hit you or the child or kicked the dog…you get the point.
  • Understand, kids get attached and don’t really get hanging out for awhile to see how things work.
  • The adult need time to see if they’re strong enough to be together before they test the do-the-kids-like-me waters.
  • Adult sexuality can be really confusing for kids of any age (do you like the idea of your parents “doing it”? – and look at how old you are).

This doesn’t mean you have to be celibate or put yourself on house arrest until the kids are married, but you do have to be discreet and really good at jugging time and responsibilities, and have reliable baby-sitters at the ready.

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You’re Involved in an office Romance – Dating Situation #4

July 17, 2009 at 5:27 am (Dating, Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , )

Americans believe in the M.A.S.H. philosophy of life, which suggests that we can have all of our goodies in one place: love, family, friends, work, rivalries, food, housing, recreation, flirtations. Nonsense. This is TV show that hasn’t even had original episodes since 1983. While there is a certain efficiency to the idea of finding someone to love at work (think of how much you’ll have in common), what is most likely is that one or both of you will lose your jobs.

Work is about Competence, and dating is about compatibility. They have very little to do with one another, and if you think no one will know, think of how obvious it was when that secretary over in Accounting was having an affair with his boss. Everybody knows. If for no other reason, keeping your work and love life separate is good idea so that, if one goes sour, you can throw yourself into the other. If you’ve got the hots for someone at work, wait until one of you leaves or transfers, and trade phone numbers at the going-away party, unless it would make it a long-distance relationship. (And if that’s the case, just confess your crush, wax nostalgic, and chalk the whole thing up to what might have been until one of you moves back into the area.)

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You’re in a long-distance Relationship – Dating Situation #4

July 16, 2009 at 6:19 am (Dating, Relationships) (, , , , , , , )

You meet someone on vacation or at a friend’s wedding, and it’s instant fireworks. Will it work? Maybe, maybe not. But if you are more than an hour away and see each other less than a couple of times a month, you’re talking fantasy. Long-distance relationships can certainly be fun but shouldn’t be confused with a reality-based relationships, which is the only way to have sanity in your love life.

Sometimes a couple who has been together for a long time has to be apart for a specified length of time: Once has to finish school, a military commitment has to be fulfilled, a job transfer looms. If the two of you have been together for a year or more, you may be able to sustain the relationship over a period of certainly not more than a year (otherwise, you will have been apart longer than together, and people change over a period of a year). Work out the ground rules (basically, don’t ask and don’t tell about other social engagements, and don’t commit to one another until the end of the separation).

If you’ve been together six months to a year, you’re best served to believe in fate. Plan to get together at the end of the separation and see what’s what. But a lot of visits, if they’re less than weekly, are likely to prolong the agony without offering much in return.

If you’re sexual, you’re both likely to feel used and spend most of the time in bed – without acknowledging how both of you are growing and changing. Relationships that get stuck like a bug in amber are quite brittle. If you are not having sex, it will be easier to maintain the distance, but what about the intimacy? In general, lots of time apart is hard on a relationship. It doesn’t mean you’re doomed, but it means things will be and feel different when you reunite, Why not start over then, without ghosts and baggage, secrets or lies, and see where both of you are rather than have to finesse or pretend?

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You’re Gay – Dating situation #3

July 15, 2009 at 6:17 am (Dating, Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

I am one of those people who thinks that we can and should be defined on the totality of our being rather than our race or hair color or height or sex or religion. I believe that all of us would have much easier lives if we could choose who would turn us on (the person who is nice and is crazy about us, our next-door neighbour, our mom’s best friend’s offspring, the boss’s son or daughter, our best friend). Unfortunately, that’s not how sex works. We can choose our behaviour, not our feelings. It has always seemed unnecessarily limiting to define a person’s entire life on the basis of who turns them on . I still opt for sex as being a private behaviour and in the long run. I care more about a person’s manners or breath than I do about their sexual preference unless they happen to turn me on.

One of the assumptions of the blog is that you are straight, that is, heterosexual. I made this assumption for two reasons: First, statistically most people are heterosexual, and my aim was to reach the widest possible audience. Second, gays and straights face the same issues with respect to dating.

In my years as a psychologist both on and off the air, I have dealt with lots of folks who were in or out of the closet, gay or straight, and what I am struck by is the similarities in their dating problems, not the differences. If you are a gay person reading this post and feel that something I have said as a universal statement doesn’t apply to you because you’re gay. Please write and let me know. I may include it in my further posts or explain to you why I disagree.

My only real warning here is know thyself. If you are gay, don’t date straight people, and if you are straight, don’t date someone who’s gay. You’re both just asking for heartache, and there are enough disappointments in life without a need to go out of your way to ask for that kind of trouble.

If you’re muttering, “What about bi’s?” I would say, get a therapist or a piece of paper or a mirror and get your act together and decide who you are and what you want. Wanting it all is okey; trying to have it all is often both greedy and futile. Sometimes you have to decide the real you. Chocolate or vanilla, Christian or Jew, New York or California (all of which you can change), male or female (which can be changed with great difficulty), or straight or gay, a preordained biological orientation like curly hair or left-handedness that you can’t change.

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